My name is Cyndi, I'm a mother, sister, daughter...warrior.
W.A.R. was a vision I had over 25 years ago. My step-father began molesting me from the time I was 5 until I was 15. He was an alcoholic. he would sneak into my room late a t night while my mother slept in the next room. There are things a child should never have to endure...I still cringe when I smell beer on a man's breath. I still cringe when I hear old-time country music. I still cringe when a man gets too close to my "personal" space.
For years I suffered at his mercy. It wasn't like he threatened me or my mother to keep me silent...no...he was too clever for that. My mother wouldn't allow me to have sodas or candy...and he knew it. "don't tell your mom I bought you a coke; come give me a "hug". But his hugs weren't really hugs...Even at 5 years old, I knew it was wrong. NEVER let anyone tell you a child DOES NOT KNOW IT'S WRONG!
As I grew older, his boldness grew. At 12 I was forced to watch porn while he fondled me. "This is so you can learn how it's done" and "see? it's natural, all people do it" and "doesn't it look like fun? besides, you don't want mom to find out you didn't do your chores because you watched TV instead..."
No, it didn't look like fun. NO, I didn't want to learn, and NO I didn't want mom angry with me...
I started dating when I was 15. Finally a NORMAL relationship with a guy! I was so happy! The next day, my step-dad commented on how happy I was about my date. He began pressing himself against me, wrestling with me, like we always did, just playing around. But this time, he wasn't playing anymore. He began to put his hands where they didn’t' belong, started pulling at my clothes. He insinuated that I had sex with my date and that he wanted some too! I was still a virgin! I didn't have sex with my date! What was wrong with him???WHY WAS HE DOING THIS TO ME?? I fought him with all my strength, and then this THING inside me exploded! This savage BEAST...growling, snarling, clawing...I snapped! Everything went blank. To this day, I still don't know what happened, or how...all I knew was that he was lying on the floor, writhing in pain, holding his crotch. I growled at him "you will NEVER touch me again!" He never did. But the suffering didn't end there.
I cried out to God to save me, to make him stop all those years... I told one of my friends, but all she could do was ask me if I told the police or my mom..."it's his word against mine, they wouldn't believe me" would always be my answer. Date after date, rape after rape...always their word against mine...I never reported them. I never told anyone until years later.
At age 22, I finally told someone about everything my step-father did to me. Someone I trusted with all my heart. Someone I believed could help me understand...Her advice? “Deal with it. It’s a part of life. It’s just a part of being a woman.” WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG! How could she betray me? How could she expect me to just “Deal with it”? That someone...was my mother.
For years I hated God, my friends, my family, myself. I turned to the occasional drug, alcohol, food, sex. For years I suffered, the nightmares never going away. No one understood my cries for help. They just considered me to be a bad kid. “you know how kids are at that age”...pardon my language but...BULLSHIT! When I see a kid acting out, I KNOW there is more to it than just a bad kid. They are sounded, hurting, afraid!! Many of you know what I’m talking about. Some of you may have turned to alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. Pick you self-destructive weapon...that’s all it is...A CRY FOR HELP!! We’re hurting on the INSIDE! Can’t you see our pain on the OUTSIDE?????
Finally the day came when I realized it wasn’t them that were hurting me..it was MYSELF! They were living their lives like nothing happened...why??? How could they just go on with their life like they did no wrong??? Then it sunk in.
I picked dup my damaged spirit off the floor, picked up my shield, and my sword, put on my armor, walked away from my self-inflicted pain, and began to live my life! No more nightmares! No more anguish! No more suffering! After all these years, I finally understood why my mother said those painful words to me. She too was a victim...
And now...
I am the hunter. They are my prey. Call me the watchdog, I don’t care. When I see a wounded soul, I hope her up, give her strength and courage to pick up her sword and follow the warrior’s path. Together we will find all our wounded sisters! Together we can fight against RAPE! We can fight against sexual assault!! We need to educate our daughters, our young women to FIGHT BACK, STAND UP AND DEFEND!
Before...we did not have a voice...
But now...there is a voice. It will be heard. It is the voice of the Warrior- The Warrior who will not back down, the Warrior who will not allow this to happen any longer, the Warrior who will stand firm!
We are Women, we are Warriors! We are more than survivors!! It’s time to step out of the victim mentality...and time to march out there with our heads held high! Because WE ARE WARRIORS!
